who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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