I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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