I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
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