I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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