I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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