just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
