I want to have your abortion
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
