cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
