Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
