her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
