I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
