the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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