dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
