At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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