Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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