he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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