Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
