Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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