the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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