mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
