If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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