Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
As shirtless as possible
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Someone came in the potted fern
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
