Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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