just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i barfeds in our rink
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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