Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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