he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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