So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
