i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
