Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
