Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just gift wrapped bread.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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