Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
