Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize