i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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