Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
