I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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