where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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