just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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