Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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