I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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