I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
