Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
