never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
