Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
