Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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