he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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