Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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