I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize