Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize