I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
