I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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