So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
