The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize