I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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