mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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