So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
