Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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